Dear Tom & Katie,

It’s hard to believe it’s been two years and 500 auditing sessions since the two of you walked down the aisle in Italy. Two years of living on separate floors, while pretending to have the romance of the century has to be difficult. You would think that with your prolonged absences from each other this year that you would want to spend some quality time alone on your anniversary. Maybe Tom would dress you up as his favorite superhero and you would have hot passionate monkey sex all night. But no. Instead you did what any couple celebrating your anniversary would do, you had the kids over and played the Scientology version of Trivial Pursuit. Aaah, good times.

Over the past two years you have seen both of your careers go into the toilet but it has not let you stop pretending otherwise. Sure, Katie has been forced to take the fourth lead in a Broadway play, but Tom has that big Christmas spectacular coming out and with the advance reviews, I’m sure that movie has a chance to at least pay for that autographed first edition of Dianetics.

For people who really don’t have much of a career, you sure do get photographed a lot. I myself am guilty of showing your photos more than I probably should simply because I think your daughter is adorable. I say your daughter, but I’m really not sure about that whole thing. I can’t wait until she is old enough and then have her provide a DNA sample, because I’m just dying to know. I figure at some point she will go through some kind of teenage rebellion phase and that will be the perfect chance.

But, this is not about her, this is about your love for each other. I have never seen a couple pose so much for the cameras together in public. It’s almost like you really want the world to show us you are together. Always wearing matching clothes with your arms around each other. From the looks of things you have never had a fight. Considering you probably only see each other during a photo opportunity, that is probably why you don’t fight. I’ve always been curious about what you would fight over. Do you have a copy of the alleged contract on your refrigerator door and refer to it when you fight. “It says here I only have to pretend to like you three days a week, so I don’t have to do four.”

Katie, it seems like you really don’t get out much. Oh sure you walk the 20 feet from your apartment door to the car and back again each day, but when is the last time you went out with someone other than Tom or one of the bodyguards? We never see you at lunch in New York, just laughing with friends. That can’t be a good thing. The only time you are out with friends, it is always another couple, of an equally appropriate Hollywood stature and you are all smiles. How about just going out and getting hammered one night and letting the pap catch you?

Anyway, it has been two years and I’m sure you are both ecstatic to have made it this long. Congratulations.

(source)

• Tonight’s The Night For Katie Holmes
• Tom and Katie Stay In Separate Rooms

Suri Cruise has a real life living friend and her name is Ella Stiller according to OK! Magazine. Christine Taylor, wife of Ben Stiller, opened up about how her 6 year old daughter plays with 2 year old Suri Cruise.

“We’ve had a couple of play dates, and they’re just like any other play dates,” said Christine at a ceremony in New York held by the Museum of the Moving Image to honor Ben.

“[Suri’s] amazing, [Tom and Katie Holmes] are terrific. When little kids get together you just let them do their thing and there’s no outside elements, you know what I mean.”

And Ella loves being the older sister.

“It’s always just a great thing to see your kids connecting and you see the different stages. Ella used to always be the one looking up to the older girls and now she’s kind of taken on that kind of big girl role.”

I am so happy that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes actually let their little girl play with someone close to her own age! The poor girl desperately needs friends.

(source)

• Katie, I Think Suri Is Broken. Either That Or The Batteries Are Dying.
• Now Katie Holmes is dressing Suri like her

It was bad enough when Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise got matching haircuts, now she is even dressing Suri like her. Katie, Suri is not your twin, stop making her into one. You know those moms that want their daughters to say that they are not their mom, but their sister? You so know Katie is going to be like that with Suri and her big sister Tom Cruise, I mean husband. Poor Suri, poor poor Suri.

(source)

• Katie, I Think Suri Is Broken. Either That Or The Batteries Are Dying.
• Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri: Together In NYC

There are not many magazines or websites that I think combine humor, snark and reporting and do it really well, but RADAR Magazine was one of them. I loved them. I read every issue and was always looking at their online stuff. I would then stay as far away from them as possible for the most part because they did everything so much better than me. Unfortunately though I guess the rest of the world didn’t agree and RADAR is saying bye bye to the publishing world. They are shutting down and laying off their entire staff.

When RADAR came back on the scene about 18 months ago after a two year absence, their main investor said he would keep the issues pumping until at least the year 2011. Well, by my watch it is just 2008. So much for promises. I’ll miss you guys.

(source)

• Just Axing: Hey! Radar says that our actual President, …
• Freelancer Action Unit: Once More Into The Breach With ‘Radar’

Finally Katie Holmes took a break from shopping and her show to get Suri’s hair cut. It is about time because poor girl bangs were covering her eyes. BTW Suri looks totally adorable with her new look.

(source)

• Now Katie Holmes is dressing Suri like her
• Katie, I Think Suri Is Broken. Either That Or The Batteries Are Dying.

With the entire world of Scientology behind him, the best Tom Cruise could come up with during a Friar’s Club roast of Matt Lauer was “Lose my number, you glib putz.” The remark was a reference to his Today Show appearance. I credit that with the downward spiral of Tom Cruise. That along with Sumner Redstone giving him the boot.I just find it hard to believe that is the best he could come up with. I mean doesn’t Scientology have a bunch of wannabe Hollywood writers sitting around with nothing to do all day except talk to their auditors. I mean Matt Lauer got off a way better line than anything Tom mentioned. “Why don’t you sit down?” Lauer shot back. “We’ll get you a booster seat!”

See? Now that is a line from a roast. I mean that probably got one of the best reactions of anything said. I would have liked to have known what Tom Cruise was thinking right that second. Probably wishing he could call down Xenu onto Matt Lauer.

(source)

• Tom Cruise There’s 6 parts
• Tom Cruise saved New York after 9/11

According to a neighbor, Cruise and Holmes are buying up lofts in a 12-story building slightly south of 14th Street. “Tom and Katie now keep five units in the building. They turned one into [2-year-old daughter] Suri’s playroom. One they use for a gym, and two apartments are for staff,” said our source. Cruise bought a 10th-floor unit in 1985 and has held onto the space since. “In the past couple of months they’ve bought up all these other apartments,” our source said. “They’re all separate and on different floors. Tom is seen coming in and out all the time, and he’s really friendly to everyone he meets. But Katie just kind of keeps her head down. Everyone in the neighborhood is buzzing about it.” A rep for Cruise denies the couple is buying up units in that building.

(source)

• All is forgiven; McCain returning to Letterman
• Overture taps Sulzer

You can see in this picture that Suri Cruise wears the pants in the family even her parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes never let her wear any.

(source)

• Katie, I Think Suri Is Broken. Either That Or The Batteries Are Dying.
• Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri: Together In NYC

Nicole Kidman wasn’t expecting to find love with Keith Urban.

“I didn’t foresee it, that you can meet somebody who you have a deep and more profound love with,” the actress - who divorced Tom Cruise in 2001 - tells November’s Elle.

“I don’t mean to take away anything with Tom, but I would hope that he has the same thing - I know he has the same thing with Katie,” Kidman adds. “You move into a stage where you’re able to be a more fuller person in your relationship.”

She continues, “I want to be really careful with that because I don’t want to take away from 11 years with that man that were really important. Really, for our kids — they were amidst a lot of love. It wasn’t bad. And now we’re amidst a more evolved love.”

Does she have any regrets about marrying Cruise at the young age of 22?

“Um, no. Would I want my kids to get married at that age? No!” Kidman says. “But that was an extraordinary thing for me. [Tom] taught me an enormous amount — as a girl into a woman. Absolutely, I would do it again.”

(Seeing Cruise move on was tough, however: Her pal Lauren Bacall says that Kidman was “unhappy on the set of 2003’s Dogville. “Tom had taken off for Penelope Cruz or some g—–n thing — one of his more ridiculous moves,” Bacall says. Taking a slight jab at the actor, she tells Elle, “Tom Cruise is a maniac. I can’t understand the way he conducts his life.”)

Kidman also opens up to Elle about being a mother at age 41.

“At 41, it’s more of a painful love. I look at that little girl, and I’m like, ‘Oh, no, what’s going to happen?’ It’s almost like my heart is stretching; I’m feeling all the muscles stretch with emotion. It’s a beautiful love, but there’s a lot of fear and pain for her life, and for Bella’s and Connor’s life.

“I like to believe that nothing was stopping Sunday from coming into the world,” she adds.

(Incidentally, she denies reports she named her daughter after early 20th-century artist Sunday Reed. “That’s a myth,” she says. “We just liked the name.”)

“When it comes to my kids, I’m just like a lioness,” Kidman says. “I’m like, ‘No one gets near my babies! That’s why we chose not to sell photos of her. We just want to have our little cocoon.”

Urban is equally protective of Kidman.

“He’s the greatest man besides my dad I’ve ever met,” the actress says. “He’s loyal and he’s a soul searcher.”

She adds, “Keith gave me a life. He gave me a home.”

(source)

• Nic’s movie set damaged by flooding!
• Cameron Diaz Loves Her Job… Yet Does Less!

Suri Cruise looks as excited to be haning out with just her parents again as much as we would be excited to hang with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Poor girl, but just by looking at her face you can see she is the one wearing the jeans in that family and that she is probably going through the terrible twos!!! He He! You go girl!!!

(source)

• Katie, I Think Suri Is Broken. Either That Or The Batteries Are Dying.
• Now Katie Holmes is dressing Suri like her

It is so nice to see a big smile on Suri Cruise’s face because she is such a little doll!!!

(source)

• Katie, I Think Suri Is Broken. Either That Or The Batteries Are Dying.
• Now Katie Holmes is dressing Suri like her

After months and months of rehearsal, thousands of miles flown, and two burned out auditors it’s finally time for Katie Holmes to make her Broadway debut tonight in front of Tom Cruise who will probably rush from his seat the moment the play ends, run up on the stage, and talk to the audience for a good twenty minutes. Don’t blame Tom for this. He hasn’t heard applause in a long time and so he likes to take advantage of it. It’s why he keeps going to football games. He closes his eyes and pretends they are clapping for him.

Although tonight is considered just a preview of the show and not opening night, lets face it, Katie isn’t going to change much between now and then. Sure, the critics officially will not have their say until the middle of October, but if Katie sucks, she might not even make it to the middle of October, but be called away due to a family emergency or a once in a lifetime film role which will mysteriously vanish in a few months when all of this settles down.

Whatever tonight brings in the way of Katie being good or not is really not relevant. We know that tonight is a chance for Tom Cruise to shine, and to steal whatever spotlight he can. Think of him getting ready for tonight. Finding just the right Spanx to put on, the right pair of heels and that three piece sweater vest combo that only he seems to enjoy. Whether Katie is good or bad, Tom knows it will be his photos all over the papers tomorrow.

(source)

• Katie Holmes wears a toga
• Tom and Katie Stay In Separate Rooms

Sorry to disappoint you Shrek fans, but Tom Cruise won’t be heading to the swamp for the next go-round in the green-guy franchise.

Despite a flurry of stories on the Web over the past two weeks, Cruise is not—repeat, not—a candidate to voice the villain in Shrek Goes Fourth for DreamWorks Animation.

“As of today, there is no truth to the Tom Cruise-Shrek 4 rumor,” rep Jeff Raymond tells E! News without further explanation.

The ogre rumors went into overdrive after first surfacing Sept. 4 on the movie blog cinemablend.com, which claimed to have received an email from an unnamed studio insider stating Cruise was being considered for the role.

That report took off in the blogosphere, eventually getting picked up in mainstream publications, including one of the Los Angeles Times blogs, which gave it even more traction.

And voilà, Cruise’s camp stepped up to debunk the Shrek story.

DreamWorks declined to comment.

What exactly is the Top Gunner doing next? He certainly has plenty of options.

After wrapping the World War II thriller Valkyrie, due out in December, Cruise could join Ben Stiller in The Hardy Men, a comedy envisioning the sibling sleuths all grown up.

Cruise and his United Artists also just snapped up the rights to the true-crime thriller The Monster of Florence as a possible starring vehicle. That film chronicles a three-decade serial-murder spree in the Italian city.

One film he won’t be doing is Edwin Salt. Cruise had been considering the film but ultimately passed on the role of a CIA officer mistaken for a president-assassinating Russian spy. The part is now reportedly being refashioned for Angelina Jolie.

As for Shrek Goes Fourth, the film will feature the voices of Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz and Eddie Murphy. It’s currently in the early production stages and expected to hit theaters in 2010.

(source)

• Katie, I Think Suri Is Broken. Either That Or The Batteries Are Dying.
• Sumner Redstone Apparently Finds Right Price to Forgive ‘Good Friend’ Tom Cruise [Come To Papa]

Liz Smith of the NY Post got to interview Tom Cruise recently. It was by phone, which dispelled my notion that he did all interviews using some kind of magical power that implanted into the brain of the interviewer all the answers to any potential questions. Now, Liz gets some congratulations for getting Tom to talk, but in order to do so, basically sold herself out and just lobbed softball after softball at him. So, courtesy of the NY Post, here is the interview with a few of my comments. Unlike Liz though, I don’t need to kiss his ass.’I LOVE Paula Wagner, but she wants to produce elsewhere and in her own venue, and I don’t intend to stand in her way. I’ll say this of her leaving United Artists - whatever Paula wants is what I want her to have! And I hope we’ll continue working together on future projects.”

Umm, Paula Wagner got canned. Sure they might call it leaving under her own terms or whatever, but lets face it, she got canned, and Tom must have known she was going to get canned and didn’t do anything. For years and years and years she stood up for him and defended him when the entire world was against him. He didn’t do anything. Yes, she was not the best choice for the role, but when you are putting out Tom Cruise flops, how willing would you be to greenlight them very quickly. That last line of his about working together on future projects is a big load of crap also. He isn’t going to go near her, and he can always say that nothing has ever materialized while still trying to look good.

So spoke Tom Cruise on the phone with me this week. He added, cryptically: “I don’t run United Artists; I just own it.”

Well then you need to find someone to run it a little better or else you are just going to own a bunch of empty property.

IT’S ALWAYS fun to talk to Tom, who tells me that his now “controversial” film about the German resistance attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler in World War II is coming out on Dec. 26. All those critics who have panned the project, “Valkyrie,” in advance, should know that nothing can deter Tom from his belief in this story. He says, “It’s original. It’s suspenseful. The writers Chris McQuarrie and Nathan Alexander are just great, and I can’t say enough good things about the director, Bryan Singer. I first met him at the ‘Mission Impossible’ premiere, and we’ve been hoping to work together ever since.” (Singer is the man who did “X-Men” and “Superman Returns.” He will direct the next “Superman” as well.)

I already talked about this quote earlier this week. The only thing I will add is that Liz gets to her knees kind of quickly here.

WHEN I asked Tom why he felt so many people in the business have gone after the Valkyrie” project as if it’s a bad idea or something historically obscene, he sighed: “It just doesn’t make sense to me either. The moment I read the screenplay I knew it was an important story, and as it’s a true tale of heroic resistance to one of the great villains of history, I can’t imagine that people won’t want to see it.”

I ASKED Tom if he will continue doing comedies on the heels of his “character” impersonation as a fat, horrid studio executive in Ben Stiller’s “Tropic Thunder”? He laughed, “Well, I’m always looking for something new, and Ben’s movie is hilarious. He and I are old friends, and he is a really good director, so originally I said I’d do it just for friendship. But it turned out great. I actually love comedy, and I did it in ‘Risky Business,’ so I’ll do more if it presents itself. I’m also always looking for a good love story, and I think I have one in a coming international thriller called ‘The Tourist.’ I believe I will be doing that.”

First of all I don’t think of Risky Business as a comedy, but whatever. So, that was 25 years ago, and he says he loves comedy. Well actually now that I think about he has been in a lot more comedies than he gives himself credit for. When I saw him playing an Irish guy in Far and Away I nearly cried from laughing so hard. Oooh, and I always thought Days Of Thunder was a comedy. Either that or some really bad acting. But, to show that I am fair and impartial, or pretending to be, he was in Austin Powers with the cameo and it was pretty funny to see him there.

I told Tom I was looking forward to his wife’s debut on Broadway in the revival of Arthur Miller’s “All My Sons.” He said, “Things are going really well for Katie, and we’ll see you on opening night, Sept. 18th.”

He called her Katie. He did he did, he really , really did. Going to need to get audited for that slip up. Nice of him to plug her opening date.

I congratulated moviedom’s big star on his little baby girl. He began to burble: “Oh, yes, she’s so charming; she’s so beautiful; she’s just great!” (That was Daddy talking, not the formidable icon who has made billions of dollars for Hollywood since 1983.)

Moviedom’s big star? Guess Tom was having a little trouble keeping it up or something. Is that burble or burp. Goodness she is trying hard here to get that nose deeper.

AND THE Fox News Channel’s “Lips & Ears” gossip show should be interested to hear that Tom Cruise watches it. I told Tom I’d done an on-air bit last week about “Valkyrie,” asking why it can’t be accepted in the same way World War II movies by Tom Hanks, Clint Eastwood and Francis Ford Coppola are viewed.

Tom said, “Yes, I’m aware of what you said on air. I saw it, and I appreciate it.” So, “Lips & Ears,” you are being heard.

What he saw was a clip some SeaOrg person gave him because he probably gets everything that mentions his name to see if he can sue them, or in case someone actually says something nice about him. Oh, and the reason they are treating his movie differently is because it sucks.

(source)

• Accident on the Sets of Valkyrie
• Tom Cruise’s UA in big trouble

Tom Cruise doesn’t understand why people are being critical of the film Valkyrie. “It (the criticism) just doesn’t make sense to me. The moment I read the screenplay I knew it was an important story, and as it’s a true tale of heroic resistance to one of the great villains of history, I can’t imagine that people won’t want to see it.”Hey, just because it is an important story doesn’t mean that people will want to see it. I think people don’t want to see it because it sucks balls, not because the story isn’t any good. Maybe the don’t buy you as Nazi. I know, I know. If anyone can pull it off you can. Hell, all you had to do was go into your little time machine thingy and go back and talk to some real Nazis. Another strong possibility is they don’t really like you very much Tom. I know, I know. Again, it seems odd considering all the good will your spread to the people of the world and how we are either with you or against you.

You did bring Eddie Izzard into the film which is cool so I will definitely have someone chop it up for me so I can see his scenes. I don’t think he is in enough stuff. I know you used to be the thing, but those days are long gone. Your movies cost way too much and with the exception of the Mission Impossible series, and War Of The Worlds, it has been a long time since you had a hit film. You don’t get to count Tropic Thunder for your column. When I think of Tom Cruise films I think of epic disasters that had a whole lot of hype, and were just awful. I bet if I went back and looked at your quotes about Lion for Lambs you would have said the same thing. Did real well didn’t it?

(source)

• Sumner Redstone Apparently Finds Right Price to Forgive ‘Good Friend’ Tom Cruise [Come To Papa]
• Connor Cruise Lands His First Movie Role (Update)