If you will recall, back in October there was a huge amount of press when David Copperfield was accused of rape, and the FBI raided his Las Vegas warehouse. Since then, there has been nothing. Not even really a whisper of anything going on. The two cities most involved in the situation are Seattle and Las Vegas. The major Seattle newspaper has not followed up on the original story, and has not even mentioned David Copperfield since the October allegations surfaced. In Las Vegas, there was one article which was published in November about morality clauses in Vegas contracts. You can read the article here. The gist was that perhaps the MGM should have thrown out Copperfield on his ass, but didn’t, and instead had him perform there for a six week run over the holidays where ticket sales were “brisk.”

What that says to me is that people don’t really care what Copperfield did or may have done or was accused of doing. People were shelling out hundreds of dollars a person to see him perform as if nothing had happened. Indeed, what has happened? Allegedly there is a federal grand jury investigating the claims. No doubt they all have spent a week or two or three traveling to the Bahamas to investigate further during the chilly winter months, but there has been no news, no leaks, and I don’t think that is right. I understand grand jury testimony is secret, but I don’t understand why the newspapers in the affected cities can’t at least have one of their staff spend a day or two investigating where the matter stands now. That last sentence holds true even if David Copperfield did nothing wrong. The newspapers of the world had a field day or two slamming him, and so if they were wrong, everyone should know. If they were right, then don’t you think people should know that also so that other women won’t be afraid to come forward.

The only news account about David Copperfield since October came from the National Enquirer. It is a story that ran the first week of January. It recounted the story of a limo driver who said David Copperfield attempted to rape a woman in the back of a limo in 1996 while he was dating Claudia Schiffer. The limo driver has offered to testify at any trial.

Here is what he had to say. John St. John said incident took place in Ottawa, Canada in 1996, while Copperfield, 51, was engaged to Claudia Schiffer. St. John was ordered to pick up the woman - a Schiffer lookalike - and then drive around the city while Copperfield attempted to seduce her. He told the Enquirer, “I know when someone is having consensual sex in my limousine, but what was going on this time was different. They were struggling and I heard raised voices. I could hear the girl saying: ‘No. Get off me’ and ‘Stop’.

“It was the first time as a driver that I didn’t know what to do. I am a father of three daughters and I knew I would be kissing my career goodbye by dragging Copperfield out of the car - but I thought I had no other option. “Just then I heard David call me on the intercom saying: ‘Take me back.’” Copperfield’s representatives have described St.John’s claims as “fiction”

David Copperfield has a big US tour this spring and summer. Are you buying tickets?

David Copperfield is currently under investigation for allegedly raping a woman at his private resort in the Bahamas. David has an elaborate system set-up with his employees to help him meet women. This system is so detailed that David Copperfield provides his workers with an instruction manual for locating “scorpions” which is a code used for women the magician is particularly interested in. TMZ reports:

The document describes how the assistants need to be heads-up for attractive women whom David can meet backstage after the performance. We’re told the plan is to keep boyfriends and husband in the arena, adding “from time to time, boyfriends and husbands will give us a hard time and refuse to stay. If that is the case, try your best to get them to stay and refer to the “What to Say” sheet for help.”

And it gets creepier.

According to the document, “On occasion David will have you pull in both scorpions even if he is only interested in one of them, just for comfort.”

Another part of the document sounds eerily similar to the circumstances surrounding the rape allegations against David Copperfield:

The assistants are told to sell the women before David arrives backstage. They’re supposed to say: “Do you know that David has recently bought some islands in the Bahamas? Well they are BEAUTIFUL and we are doing a lot of project (sic) for these islands: Ads, TV, Radio and many other promotions. So we like (sic) to keep in touch with you in case there is a job in the future we think you would be interested in.”

Maybe instead of all the cloak and dagger bullshit, David Copperfield should just end his show with a simple offer: “Hey, I’m freaking rich beyond belief and recently purchased my own set of islands in the Bahamas. If you’re a young woman no older than thirty and is into that sort of thing, we should totally do it backstage. Thanks for coming out tonight, folks. Have a wonderful evening.” See, it works on so many levels. It’s simple. It’s honest. And, I dunno, no one has to fly twelve hours home to take a rape kit. Sorry, David Copperfield, but that’s usually not a cool way to end a date. At least not the first one.

From time to time the news cycle offers up an event of such import and complexity that it can only be comprehended through the medium of musical theater. This week resident composer Ben Greenman takes a metahistorical view of the long, sad story of magician, alleged discoverer of the Fountain of Youth and accused rapist David Copperfield.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD is at home, in bed. He is reviewing the circumstances of his own life, as he does every night.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Hocus Pocus
I was born near Ho-ho-kus
Forty miles to the south, to be precise
As a child in Metuchen
I made quite a production
Of mastering each and every magical device:

Magic milk pitchers, cups and balls,
Silks and ropes and linking rings,
Money makers, coins and vases.
Oh, I learned so many things.
Abracadabra alakazam!
That’s the kind of guy I am.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD stands to sing. Luckily, he is wearing a robe, as it is Tuesday night. Mondays and Wednesdays are “Dave time” and consequently robeless.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Oh, I was a teenage illusionist
I could make a card vanish with a flick of the wrist
Yes, I was a teenage illusionist
Though it scuttled my social life, I had to persist

These days, I’m famous all over the world
I’m the top entertainer on this big blue globe
In 2005 I took in fifty-nine million
I have eighty large right here in my robe

How did I do it? How did I grow
From a pencil-necked geek to a sorcery pro?
My path to greatness must remain hidden
Disclosing my secrets, of course, is forbidden

But I can, without cheating, review my achievements
I had network specials on TV every year
I walked right through the Great Wall of China
I made a freakin’ jet plane disappear

And yet, through it all, I’ve remained sad and lonely
I have mastered illusions and close-up effects
But I haven’t located a true one and only
I haven’t had love and I haven’t had sex

Yes, that’s right: I’m as dextrous as any brain surgeon
But I’m fifty years old and I am still a virgin.
For years, I had Claudia Schiffer on payroll
But she wouldn’t get close to touching my pole.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD’S MOM calls up the stairs.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD’S MOM:
Go to bed now, Mr. Top Entertainer
Outen the lights! Don’t forget your retainer!

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
That’s it. This has to end.
I need a girlfriend.

[The next morning, after his mom makes him pancakes, DAVID COPPERFIELD announces his intention to leave.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Remember when I vanished the Statue of Liberty?
Liberty has been on my mind ever since
And so, my dear mother, the time has now come
For me to depart.

DAVID COPPERFIELD’S MOM
You’ve been dropping hints.
If you absolutely have to go
Just tell me where–I need to know.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD makes a map appear in his hand. He points dramatically to the Bahamas.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
This is where I’ll go when I leave

DAVID COPPERFIELD’S MOM:
The map was folded up inside your sleeve.

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Mom, please!
Geez, louise!
Magic is my expertise!
At any rate, I’ll miss you, Mama
But I must strike out for Grand Bahama.

DAVID COPPERFIELD’S MOM:
That’s the place you’re thinking of heading?
That’s where your cousin Irv had his wedding.
Plus, it isn’t really the season.
But I’m sure that you have a reason.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD makes a piece of paper appear in his other hand. It has the words “Fountain of Youth” written on it.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD’S MOM:
The Mountain of Youth?

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
It says “Fountain,” mom
And try to stay calm
I’m about to disclose
Where it magically flows.
It’s a magical island. I’m a magical man.
If any place can satisfy me, that one can.

DAVID COPPERFIELD’S MOM:
Okay, go on. Enjoy, enjoy.
Pack up a sandwich. Such a nice boy.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD goes to the Bahamas. He searches for the Fountain of Youth for twenty minutes, and then heads to a bar to try to get a girlfriend.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
It’s time to show off
How suave I can be
Bartender, bring me
A Long Island Iced Tea

[DAVID COPPERFIELD tastes his drink, sets it back down. It’s too strong. He picks it back up and takes another sip. Still too strong. At length, he strikes up a conversation with KAREN, a woman sitting next to him at the bar.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Hi, I’m David Copperfield
This deck of cards is completely sealed
Pick a card, now put it back
Your card was red but now it’s black.
Watch the deck now. Presto changeo-o!

KAREN:
I have to say, you sure are strange-o.

[KAREN walks away. DAVID COPPERFIELD talks to another woman named HANNAH.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Hi

HANNAH:
Hello.

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Are you alone?

HANNAH:
I don’t know
It just depends

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Do you think we could be friends
Or maybe start up a romance?

HANNAH:
Are you happy to see me or is that a wand in your pants?

[HANNAH walks away. DAVID COPPERFIELD returns to his 150-acre estate, goes to his private magic laboratory, and begins to cry.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Women just won’t talk to me
What am I doing wrong?
I made a blue flame leap up from my thumb.
My patter is extremely strong.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD rummages through a book of spells until he finds one that allows him to create a woman. He repeats the spell over and over again, increasingly desperate that he will never have a girlfriend. Finally, there’s a flash of light and smoke and a naked woman appears. DAVID COPPERFIELD giggles.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD
Amazing
Surprising
My courage
Is rising
She’ll behave
As I say
Be my slave
Every day

[DAVID COPPERFIELD touches the woman on the breast.]

WOMAN
Hands to home
You stupid wizard
Your eyes bug out
Just like a lizard

[DAVID COPPERFIELD continues to paw the WOMAN. When it is clear that he will not stop, she punches DAVID COPPERFIELD in the nose.]

DAVID COPPEFIELD:
Ow, my nose
I hurt, I hurt
There’s blood running down
The front of my shirt

WOMAN:
Hey, jackass, I said hands off
You may be bloodied but I’m not bowed
You may be able to hornswoggle millions
But you’re not as impressive without a big crowd

[The WOMAN punches DAVID COPPERFIELD in the nose again. He frantically casts a spell to immobilize her. In the morning, he tries to uncreate her, but cannot. He puts her on a plane, sits down on his bed, and almost immediately feels panic over what he has done.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
P
Oh, woe is me
Pres
I made a mess
Prestid
What if I’m arrested?

[DAVID COPPERFIELD falls down. DOVES AND CARDS appear in the air over him, where stars and robins would be if he was a cartoon character. They dance alongside him as he sings.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Prestidigitation!
Oh, prestidigitation
I was taking a vacation
To a tropical location
Because of foul temptation
I put on a demonstration
Of destructive desperation
And without consideration
For my magical creation
Brought on much frustration
And a tragic situation
How I wish that conjuration
Could effect a transformation
And turn my sin into salvation
Instead my guilt and my shame will just worsen
For I took advantage of an actual person

DOVES AND CARDS:
Boil, boil, toil and trouble
Until you were twenty you couldn’t grow stubble
But your lack of manliness is no excuse
For cruelty, selfishness, greed, and abuse

[DAVID COPPERFIELD tries to swat the DOVES AND CARDS. Just at that moment, GARY, a Federal Agent, knocks at the front door of the estate. DAVID COPPERFIELD opens the door a crack. GARY pushes past DAVID COPPERFIELD and enters the room.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
What is your reason for barging in violently?
What is the charge, sir? What is my crime?
I’ll cause a big stir—I’m not the type to stay silent, see
I’m a famous magician, you know, not a mime.

GARY:
Hey, pocket protector
Just cool your jets
We don’t respond
Very kindly to threats

[DAVID COPPERFIELD attempts to turn GARY into a rabbit. He fails. He then attempts to produce a quarter from GARY’s ear. He succeeds. GARY grabs the quarter and flings it to the ground angrily.]

GARY:
Look here, supergeek
Take a peek at our warrant
Someone is accusing you
Of something abhorrent

I’m going to search
This mansion, and then
I’ll fly to Las Vegas and
Start searching again

[GARY searches the Bahamian estate and then flies to Las Vegas to search DAVID COPPERFIELD’s warehouse. DAVID COPPERFIELD takes a plane there, too, drives quickly from the airport to the warehouse, then leaps from behind a potted fern and pretends that he has just appeared.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Sim sala bim!

GARY
Holy moly—it’s him
This is ridiculous
This is absurd
My job’s hard enough
Without this damned nerd

[GARY punches DAVID COPPERFIELD in the nose.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Come on, Gary
Was that necessary?

GARY:
Back off, Mandrake. You’re a disgrace.
And my knuckles are hungry for some more of your face
If you truly committed this felony
You’ll be doing your tricks in Cellblock D.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD runs to the corner. While cowering there, he calls his mother on his cell phone.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Mom, come quick
I need you here
I feel sad and sick
I want you to appear

[DAVID COPPERFIELD’S MOM appears.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Mommy, mommy
I’m the loneliest swami
I’ve lost all perspective inside my head
Mommy, mommy
Won’t you please calm me?
Will you take me home and tuck me in to bed?
I was only trying to please her
Why do people keep smashing my beezer?

[DAVID COPPERFIELD’S MOM approaches DAVID COPPERFIELD. Her arms are extended in an embrace. As she nears her son, she makes a fist with her right hand and punches him in the nose.]

Previously: Fragments from “Death Comes for Britney Spears! The Musical”

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

So magician David Copperfield is under investigation by the FBI for raping a woman in the Bahamas, where he owns a couple islands (one of which has the fountain of youth!). In the last week or so, lots of creepy details about his typical methods of “seduction” have come to light. He or his people would mark the scantily clad girls to come on stage during the show, he’d ask them to meet him backstage, then he’d ask if they like the Bahamas—and who doesn’t! So as someone rapidly developing a reputation as an all-around creep who might be a bit rapey, it’s time Copperfield got serious. Like by hiring Mike Sitrick! Sitrick, who repped Paris Hilton after the jail thing, has long done great work for sketchy dudes, like supermarket billionaire Ron Burkle and “Girls Gone Wild” king and America’s BFF Joe Francis. So Copperfield’s in good company!

Copperfield and Sitrick’s latest press release is in response to last weekend’s Seattle Times exclusive that gave some of the seamier details of the grand jury investigation. Copperfield reportedly said he’d help a Seattle woman with her modeling career (oh, aspiring models of the world, please demonstrate better judgment) and “invited her to his isolated $50 million private retreat at Musha Cay, in a tiny string of white-sand islands 85 miles southeast of Nassau, Bahamas.”

When she showed up, there weren’t any other guests there! And Copperfield allegedly “raped and struck her” during her stay, then threatened her if she went to the authorities.

Not so. say Sitrick and Copperfield! They claim the entire story is false, and as supporting evidence they claim that, contrary to prior reports, the FBI did not seize $2 million from Copperfield’s Magic Museum or whatever the hell his presumably wacky Vegas house is called. And FURTHERMORE: Copperfield’s attorney “said that Mr. Copperfield is among those rare celebrities
with a blemishless past.”

Yeah! He’s not like those other rapey celebrity magicians. Like David Blaine or Teller.

David Copperfield’s Attorney Says Allegations in Saturday Seattle Times Are False [Newswire]
Grand jury investigates Copperfield allegations [Seattle Times]

Several law enforcement officials have confirmed that a Seattle grand jury is investigating the accusations that David Copperfield sexually assaulted an aspiring 21-year-old model. The Seattle Times pretty much confirms earlier reports from The National Enquirer and provides info on how the magician first met his alleged victim while at a show with her family:

They were led to special seats, and Copperfield selected the woman to come on stage as part of his act, the federal sources said.
Sources confirmed that the woman told investigators Copperfield later promised he could help with her modeling career and invited her to his isolated $50 million private retreat at Musha Cay, in a tiny string of white-sand islands 85 miles southeast of Nassau, Bahamas. From Nassau, the retreat is accessible only by charter plane and then private boat.

David Copperfield told the woman there’d be other guests on the island, but when she arrived, it was just her and the magician:

She has told Seattle police, and later the FBI, that Copperfield raped and struck her during her two days on the island, said sources familiar with her allegations.
She said that, afterward, Copperfield threatened her, telling her she’d better keep quiet, and then escorted her onto a plane.

Is this the natural progression of things? Get famous. Date Victoria’s Secret model. Become bored. Buy your own set of islands where you act out depraved, power-mad sexual fantasies with young women. What happened to shuffleboard? I thought old people went bananas for that game.So, what, now they’re into crazy, James Bond villain shenanigans with private islands? Maybe that’s why my grandpa keeps saving all those coins. Oh, no, wait, it’s the dementia. My bad.

Photos: Getty Images

David Copperield allegedly offered two million dollars to the Seattle woman accusing him of rape if she remained silent. Coincidentally, the FBI supposedly seized two million in cash when they raided David’s Las Vegas warehouse last week. The money may have been prepped for a visit the FBI had the victim arrange with the magician. David Copperfield will neither confirm nor deny if the money was there. A friend of the victim provided the National Enquirer with an account of the alleged assault, according to the NY Daily News:

Copperfield invited the 21-year-old beauty to a “lavish party” at his remote compound in the Bahamas. But when she got there, on July 27, she discovered “there was no party - and no other guests,” according The Enquirer source.
“She got nervous and wanted to go home right away, but David convinced her to stay, saying she could leave the next day if she really wanted to,” the friend claims.
That night, Copperfield forced himself on the woman, holding her arms “down on the bed, leaving her with terrible bruises,” the friend charges.
“She told me she fought back,” the friend says. “But she said that just seemed to turn him on more.”

Afterwards, when David left the room, the woman took pictures of the scene with her cell phone:

“In order to preserve physical evidence, she says she didn’t shower. The next day, she went back home to Seattle, where her mother met her at the airport.”
“They drove straight to the Harborview Medical Center, where medical personnel performed a ‘rape kit’ on her.”

Umm, abracadabra?

Photo: Getty Images

David Copperfield’s Las Vegas warehouse was raided last week by the FBI. A computer hard drive and digital camera equipment was confiscated. While the reasons for the raid weren’t immediately disclosed, it appears a Seattle woman is claiming the magician raped her in the Bahamas. The seized camera equipment may provide a clue, according to TMZ:

Sources now tell TMZ Copperfield designed part of his show around “a system for picking up women.” During his show, David goes into the audience and chooses women to come on stage. We’re told that if David likes a girl, he’ll use code words with assistants like “mama” and “secrecy.” The assistants mark the women on a map of the inside of the Hollywood Theater at MGM Grand. After the show, the women are brought backstage — and that’s where the profiling begins.

The women are told that David may use them in his show when he comes to their hometown. They are then photographed with a digital camera, asked questions like, “What is your favorite men’s cologne?” and “Where do you like to vacation?” We’re told one of those vacation spots mentioned by staff is the Bahamas, where the accuser claims she was assaulted. Copperfield owns a cluster of islands in the Bahamas — which he bought for $50 million.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but David Copperfield could learn a thing or two from Criss Angel. Granted, Criss looks like a retarded Mr. T from Long Island, but at least he picks up chicks the honest way. No elaborate interviews and secret codes nonsense. He just finds celebrities that are suffering from drug and/or alcohol addiction, milks them for free press and then bangs them. You don’t get much more pure and innocent than that. Bravo, Criss Angel. Go buy yourself another necklace. You earned it.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin.com

The FBI dealt a stunning blow to the power of magic late Wednesday night with a bizarre raid of illusionist David Copperfield’s Las Vegas house, presumably performed in a frenetic, jump cut-heavy style as a classic rock song played. They made off with $2 million in cash, a hard drive, and his camera’s memory stick, as related by E! and a detached Robert DeNiro voiceover. The FBI refuses to say what it’s all about, except that it involves “an on-going investigation” that began in Washington (State!). Then the FBI stopped by the MGM-Grand, where Copperfield is scheduled to be in residence for two weeks in November. And Joe Pesci suffered some sort of violent death. Copperfield’s vast collection of “perception-deceiving devices” was untouched, thankfully. But yeah, what the hell is this about? Are the feds finally busting up the magic racket? Can they indict Criss Angel? Please? [E! via Yahoo!]