Kathy Griffin is effin a zillionaire which means homegirl should hook her hair up! Kathy! You look like you’re wearing a Beyonce cast-off wig that’s been in the dryer way too long. Take some your pepaw’s black Amex and do good things to your mop. 

Here’s that hot bitch Kathy with that hotter bitch Steve Wozniak at The Paley Center honors last night.  

Wenn

Life isn’t fair. It’s raining here in NYC and effin Paul Shore is on the beaches of Maui with his plastic-tittied girlfriend. Paul effin Shore! Anyway, his shit isn’t as bad as I think it would be. He looks like he has pencil dick though. That makes it easy to go in, but once it’s in you can’t feel shit! That being said, yes I’d hit it. 

Splash

One day after the writers strike began, Ellen DeGeneres crossed the picket line to tape an episode of her show on Tuesday. She skipped her usual monologue in honor of her writers who she says she loves, but she didn’t want to disappoint the audience who “traveled across the country.” However, shortly after word of her strikebreaking spread, some writers who worked on Ellen’s sitcom are saying she’s full of crap. Page Six reports:

“We’d watch her in rehearsals, smiling and winning us over with her charm and comic timing. Then the director would yell cut, her face would fall, and she’d level a glare at the writers. ‘Why do you keep writing these unfunny jokes?’ she’d hiss.
“Ellen frequently eviscerated the head writer and . . . boasted of the changes she’d make in season two, starting with his firing.”
“I’m disappointed in Ellen [for crossing the picket line] but not surprised . . . given what I’ve seen from her with my own two eyes.”

Another source for Page Six offered his insight on the situation:

A TV insider said DeGeneres is unwilling to honor the picket line because “this is her last chance in show business. This show is the only thing keeping her from a lifetime of touring college campuses.”

Are college students even into Ellen DeGeneres? Last time I checked they were into things like Dave Matthews, Ultimate Frisbee and Facebook which, now that I think about it, are all ridiculously gay. Hmm, maybe this Ellen on campus thing could work out. That’s good for her considering no one wants to write for her again. Especially not me. I thought the pilot I wrote where Ellen ran a sushi bar was not only witty but informative. Ellen thought it was worth a taser to the nads followed by a restraining order. Creative differences, I suppose.

Pauly Shore and his girlfriend are on vacation this week in Hawaii. I’m impressed that, in sheer defiance of his gut, Pauly Shore managed to snag a respectable looking woman. (At least in the boob region. I don’t do faces.) That being said, you’ve got to respect a man who wears a bathing suit like that. Pauly Shore’s not afraid to show people that the chick he’s with will do anything for money. Despite the fact she just threw up on a jellyfish. And is now swimming frantically out to sea. Jesus, look at her go. Something’s got her spooked. Oh, right, the bathing suit.

Photos: Splash News

“There are three things people think they know about Jessica Seinfeld, the semipublic wife of the popular comedian,” writes Allen Salkin, who, though he wrote an entire book about the fake holiday Festivus, boasts no “personal or professional relationship” with the Seinfelds. The three things are: A) she met Jerry at a gym shortly after marrying a different rich dude, B) she was accused of plagiarism, and C) she thanked Oprah for a recent appearance with 21 pairs of designer shoes. In order to dispel these ‘myths,’ Jessica has now “grudgingly” consented to be interviewed. She starts by slamming “journalists.” “I understand that there’s nothing more satisfying to a journalist than to take someone like me who appears to have had an easy life and appears to have now hit the jackpot,” she tells Salkin. Actually! There’s one thing that’s more satisfying: Watching someone who’s trying desperately to revamp her image totally dig herself a deeper hole.

“Journalists get a lot of pleasure making me or someone in a situation like mine seem like god-awful people,” Jessica continues, but whether or not that’s the case, it seems certain that one thing journalists do not love is being lied to. Which is what Jessica did after it was first reported that she was seeing Jerry while still technically married to Eric Nederlander, telling the Daily News that “there’s no romantic interest whatsoever.”

Here’s how she excuses herself for that oopsie: “I had never been in a gossip column before, and I was completely unprepared for what was about to happen. I was a 26-year-old trying to gracefully correct a mistake in judgment.”

She was only 26 years old!

She does get a little more traction from her effort to make it seem less like she merely upgraded from one rich dude to another—Allen says she characterized her relationship with Eric as “irretrievably broken” before she met Jerry, and her sister is quoted as saying that she came back from her honeymoon and moved in with their grandmother. Unfortunately, though, Eric’s still not on board with his version of the story. “She’s trying to make the past look like it never existed, so people don’t look at her anymore as a bad person.”

Oof. So can we still manage to spin that tacky gift to one of the richest women in the world? Well, for starters, “A spokeswoman for Ms. Seinfeld said the shoes’ actual value was less than $10,000, not in the $20,000 neighborhood.” Much better! And: “I guess I gave an over-the-top gift for an over-the-top move on Oprah’s part for putting me on her show… Tell me, what would you get Oprah?”

Um, a $10,000 donation to one of the zillion deserving charities she supports?

How I Met Jerry Seinfeld, Scene 1, Take 2 [NYT]

Whenever I watch Kathy Griffin on My Life On The D-List  I just want to jump through the screen, call Ken Paves and fix that mop on her head. It’s usually just an acid-red mess sitting on top of her head. Now that she’s dating a billionaire it looks like she’s giving her hair the love it deserves. It’s not there yet, but it’s getting there…..

I just IMed my friend a picture of it and said she’s looking better and she told me, “Hurry up and die, she still looks like shit.” RUDE!

Here’s Kathy G at UsWeekly’s Hot Hollywood party last night. 

I find Carrot Bottom attractive and for this very reason and this reason alone I should be locked up for life. My genitals should be taken away from me and I should not be allowed sex pleasure ever again.

Look at the hair! Look at the nail polish! Look at the eyebrows! Look at everything! I don’t even know if that gay-reptile-creature is human, but I would still play “hide the carrot in the bunny hole” with it. Somebody save me!

Actually, he sort of looks like Jackie Stallone.  

Here’s Carrot Bottom in NYC yesterday.

Kathy Griffin’s Emmy speech is still pissing Christians off two weeks after she made it. When Kathy won her award she said, “I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. So, all I can say is, ’suck it, Jesus.’ This award is my god now.”

The Miracle Theater in Pigeon Forge, Tenn. felt so strongly about Kathy’s speech that they dropped $90,000 of their own money to take out a full page spread in USA Today. The spread ran last Monday. It read:

“We at The Miracle Theater consider it an honor to stand for Jesus today. We may never win a national award. We may never be household names. We may never be seen in Hollywood. Although others may choose to use their national platform to slander our God, we are honored as professional entertainers to stand for Christ.”

First of all, Pigeon Forge is a lovely town. A pancake house on every corner and Dollywood! What’s not to love? Second of all, they should’ve used that $90,000 to throw themselves a 3-day long sex orgy, because they need to loosen up a bit! Disagree with her statement yes, but don’t waste your money on it!

Source: Associated Press