After I just confirmed that Britney Spears isn’t pregnant, I find out Paris Hilton is still hell-bent on putting a bun in her oven. C’mon! It seems Paris has babies on the brain again after hosting a baby shower for Nicole Richie last weekend, according to People:

“Nicole and I have been playing together since we were two years old,” she told PEOPLE at the Nissan Live Sets One Year Anniversary Party. “I was just telling her, ‘I want a baby so that our babies can play together.’”

You ever see one of those vans that animal shelters drive around and spay and neuter your pet for you? How do I modify one of those to work on humans? I kind of need an answer ASAP. Time is a factor. Oh, and also, what are the odds of getting a wet bar on that puppy? No, not the van. An actual puppy. I’ve always thought it’d be cool to have a dog with more than just one of those little barrels around his neck. Picture a Labrador, but with a margarita mixer instead of a tail.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

Jennifer Love Hewitt spent a few days in Hawaii with her boyfriend Ross McCall. Something went awry between this picture in September and what we’re looking at right now. What the hell are those ghosts whispering to her? That cake fights cancer? Seriously, the undead are assholes. Besides, it’s a proven fact that having sex with me is the only cure for cancer. Okay, maybe not so much proven, as drunkenly hinted at when you realize I’m not really Patrick Dempsey. Though I’m not sure how the five-mile ride on my bike’s handlebars tipped you off.

Photos: Splash News

Carson Daly is resuming production of his show Last Call with Carson Daly despite the current writers strike. Carson, who is not a member of the Writers Guild, will be the first late-night host to cross the picket line, according to People:

All of the late-night talk shows have been in reruns in solidarity with their writers, who went on strike Nov. 5. Contract talks between the writers and producers resumed Monday.

If Carson Daly wanted to remind people he exists, mission accomplished. I had completely forgotten about this ass-clown until now which is sort of depressing. It’s like remembering there are still things like cancer and AIDS out there. Fortunately there’s a cure for Carson Daly. It’s called my fist; applied liberally to the face area.

It’s really great thing that the hottie Paris Hilton is still with her pizza delivery boy/model Alex Vaggo, the Swedish guy she met earlier this year.

Her past shows her dating list with billionaire heirs and pop singers. But now no billionaire heirs or pop singers but Alex. Is Paris seriously in love with Alex or simply passing time with him?

The Oscar awardee Nicole Kidman was the first to sign a United Nations movement to prevent violence against women, saying, “Think of it, actually being a woman puts you at risk.”

“One in three women may suffer from abuse and violence in her lifetime. This is an appalling human rights violation, yet it remains one of the invisible and under-recognized pandemics of our time,” said Kidman.

Kidman attended the function held at United Nations Development Fund for Women (UNIFEM) that provides resources to local organizations in developing countries to find practical solutions for violence against women.

“Whether domestic violence or rape, violence against women is a crime that cannot be tolerated,” said Kidman. “And if it is recognized that violence against women is a crime, it must be prosecuted as one.”

Commenting on the project Kidman said, “Projects like these demonstrate that the pandemic of violence against women is a problem with a solution.”

Britney Spears is absolutely obsessed with improving her looks after deeming herself as a “fat pig” after her performance at the MTV Video Music Awards.

The sexy singer wants the work to be done at any cost. She wants to have multiple procedures, including breast enlargement and liposuction.

“Britney has already consulted with at least three surgeons about new breast implants, a nose job, liposuction on her chin and botox for her face. She sees no reason to stop, she constantly talks about getting work done,” a friend of the singer said.

A surgeon at Beverly Hills’ Camden Aesthetic Associates, already declined to operate on the Toxic singer, saying she was a “high-risk patient”.

According to a source, “He didn’t want to clear her for surgery because he didn’t think he could trust what she’d put on her medical history.”

After this, Spears headed straight to another clinic, where the surgeon agreed to give her collagen injections in her lips in a bid to stall her from getting any more work done. But one of the said to Life and Style Weekly magazine, “It was a stall tactic. They just wanted her out of the office.”

It was reported that is planning to spend $100,000 on cosmetic surgery in an effort to regain her once famous toned physique.

It is also reported that she already spent $15,000 on liposuction to remove flab from her stomach and cellulite from the back of her thighs.

As Brad Pitt has pulled himself out of Universal Pictures Production because he was unhappy with the script. Now the production house is trying to convince Russell Crowe to replace Pitt in “State of Play”

However, if Crowe can’t fit the role into his schedule as he is busy to begin shooting Ridley Scott’s “Nottingham” ,“State of Play” could be in jeopardy, Variety noted.

I think I’m in love. I was going through photos and I nearly dropped my Easy Mac after seeing pictures of this lovely, natural beauty. Her name is Tabitha Taylor and no….she’s not a porn star. Tabitha has more class than that! She is a Nobel Prize winning Philanthropist. Naw, I think she’s a nude model or something. Basically, she’s God’s gift to me. Oh, and by “gift” I mean a big platter of soggy silicone and restylane. 

Here she is at Gene Simmon’s roast in Hollywood last night.  

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UsWeekly claims Britney Spears stole a wig and stripped down in the middle of the Hustler store in West Hollywood to try on panties on November 18th at 1am. A witness said Brit wanted to try on several panties, but they wouldn’t let her. 

Brit took matters into her own ass and changed in the middle of the store in front of 15 people. She tried on boy shorts with the word “Barely Legal” stitched on the back. 

A source said, “The employees kept saying ‘Don’t change out here!’ She’s just like, ‘Well, I couldn’t take them in the fitting room!’ It was like dealing with a child.” She also started to walk out with merchandise, but the staff told her she had to pay. She rolled her eyes and handed them a credit card.

On her way out Britney snatched a wig from one of the mannequins and ran off.

If she’s going to steal wigs can she please steal them from joints that have high quality wigs. I’m sick of seeing her skanky ass rat’s nest.

Oh and I’m just letting you know don’t ever buy undies from the Hustler store in West Hollywood. There’s a good chance Brit’s puss juice is all over em. Nast.

Teri Hatcher portrays 8 different kind of brides in an issue of The New York Times Magazine. She’s a lesbo bride, an Indian bride, an old bride, a hippie bride, a trophy wife and it goes on. All these brides have one thing in common: BEING FUG!

Actually, she doesn’t look that bad. She usually looks like she’s about to attack Ripley on the Nostromo mining ship and she doesn’t look like that here. Slight upgrade.

Source VIA ONTD

I once said that I thought Carrot Bottom was hot and that I’d let him stick the carrot down the bunny hole. I’m eating my fucking words. Ok, I probably would do Carrot Bottom only because I’m a masochist.

Doing CB would be like that scene in “Requiem For A Dream” where Jennifer Connelly is about to do “ass to ass” with that other hooker for drugs and she knows this is going to be one of the most horrifying experiences of her life, but she has to do it. Doing Carrot Bottom would be like that, but worse. His tongue looks rather inviting though. It makes me want to take a seat….I’ll stop. 

Here’s Carrot Bottom at the Gene Simmons roast last night. Bonus! Corey Feldman was also there wearing one of the douchiest shirts ever created.  

Wenn

Owen Wilson was dating some model with the hilarious name of Le Call (above) and it looks like they’ve called it quits. But I was just getting used to Le Call and her effed up name! Le Call me I’ll be your shoulder to cry on!

Anyway, Owen has apparently moved on to “Bionic Woman” star Michelle Ryan. The two were spotted on a romantic date at Nobu in Malibu.

A source said, “Michelle’s one of the few women in Hollywood who looks like herself and hasn’t had loads of work done. She’s refreshingly natural. She’s also pretty innocent about how this whole town works, which Owen finds endearing. And then there’s that British sense of humour.” 

Oh screw the Bionic Woman! Her show sucks. I already miss Le Call. I wanted her to marry Owen and have kids! They could’ve named them Le Holler and Le Whoop.

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Image: Splash

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Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon were “spotted” going into the same bathroom together during a long flight from Frankfurt to Los Angeles reports Star Magazine. Someone thinks they were doing it. I can hear Jakey G giggling to that sentence right now. “Doing it with a girl? Ewwww…”

Anyway, this source said, “Reese and Jake kissed and cuddled together under a blanket in her recliner seat in the back row.” Reese apparently then got up and went to the toilet and Jake followed her shortly thereafter going into the same toilet. Scandal.

“I started timing them - they were together in there for 11-minutes.” Jake came out first and then Reese came out. I’m sure nobody “came” inside that bathroom.

Oh please! People need to stop with these falsities. Her tampon probably got stuck in her coochie and she needed her best girlfriend to help fish it out. I refuse to believe they are a couple!

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This is what Hayden Panatroll is going to look like in 10 years - Just Jared

Mary-Kate Olsen is red, white and homeless (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather 

Katherine Heigl puffs away - IDLYITW 

Gemma Atkinson’s huge breasts invade the jungle - Hollywood Tuna

JLove squeezes her pear body into a bikini - Egotastic! 

Britney’s plastic-haired triplets - Popsugar

Hayden’s cliche lesbian fantasies - Hollywood Rag 

Rose McGowan is looking good for once - The Bastardly 

Jakey G to play Joe Namath - A Socialite’s Life 

The Golden Girls live - Cityrag

Paris Hilton scoped out an office building in LA yesterday and felt that lingerie was appropriate outdoor attire. This, of course, allowed paparazzi to snap a shot of her panties. There’s nothing like seeing the thin layer of pink fabric that separates our world and Herpes Canyon. I wish she would wear something on her crotch a little more, I dunno, durable. Like the door to a bank vault. Or the hatch from a submarine.

NOTE: So I just noticed that she’s not wearing any underwear. Wow, uh, Merry Christmas?

Photos: Bauer-Griffin