Kevin Smith isn’t writing a tell-all, but he is spilling about the A-listers he has worked with.

The director, who’s shooting “A Couple of Dicks” with Bruce Willis, revealed that he and Jennifer Garner didn’t exactly see eye to eye while filming “Catch and Release” in 2006.

“Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me — she did not like my jokes,” Smith said during the “Silent Bob Speaks” chat at Carnegie Hall on Wednesday night. “I was picking on [Jen’s husband] Ben Affleck and making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time — I was talking smack — and Jennifer goes, ‘You know, if you keep saying stuff about him, I’m going to kick your a—.’ And she could — I’ve seen ‘Alias.’ She has a real girly sense of humor and didn’t understand that I was kidding.”

The portly Smith, who first directed Affleck in 1995’s “Mallrats,” continued, “I remember talking to Ben and being like, ‘I know your lady is not finding me amusing. Ben, I’ve known you for years, and you are far sicker than I am!’ His jokes are way dirtier than mine. He’s made jokes to me, and I’ve been like, ‘Ben, you need to go to church.’”

All kidding aside, Smith clearly has a lot of affection for Affleck.

“Ben is one of the most intelligent people on the planet,” he said. “He will run for office and one day be President, and then we’ll smoke a joint in the Oval Office. He’s very well-spoken and been brought up extremely well, but he’s filthy!”

Smith also chatted about his love for the late George Carlin and for Willis, who he says has “been in literally every cop movie ever made.” He added — rather randomly — that he’d save Wayne Gretzky’s life over Steven Spielberg’s or George Lucas’, and went on to profess his admiration for comedy king of the moment Seth Rogen.

“Seth is on top of the world. He has nine movies going on — all of them with [Judd] Apatow,” Smith said of his “Zack and Miri” star. “I was like, ‘Seth, you changed my definition of success — you are a functioning stoner.’”

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The pop princess was slated to perform tomorrow at M2 — the West 27th Street nightclub that used to be Crobar and Mansion — as part of the launch of her “I Am . . . Sasha Fierce” North American tour. M2 owner Joey Morrissey agreed to pay the singer $200,000 for the gig, he says.

But on Wednesday, Beyoncé’s people suddenly pulled the plug on the performance, despite having signed a contract that had prompted Morrissey to spend $100,000 preparing for the show, according to the clubowner. “They said they were too busy with the launching of the tour and that they wouldn’t have time to do the kickoff party,” Morrissey tells Page Six.

To make up for the cancellation, Morrissey says Beyoncé offered to stop by the club “to hang out for an hour” on Sunday. He adds, “I mean, we sold tables for thousands of dollars for the show, and spent $100,000 renting a soundboard and other equipment, as per their stipulations. What good does her showing up for an hour do me? They’ve been totally unwilling to agree to another show.”

As a result, Morrissey says he’s now preparing to file suit against Beyoncé, claiming his place has suffered a “loss of reputation” in addition to the sunk cash. “We had an overwhelming response from our clubgoers, who were lining up to buy tickets and tables. This will come as a great disappointment to all of them,” he claims, adding, “If Beyoncé cancels and doesn’t give us a new date, this hurts our credibility in night life.”

The gig, which was initially posted on the singer’s Web site, has since been taken down. A rep for Beyoncé at Sony did not respond to our phone calls and e-mails.

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A Georgia man who was convicted of stalking TV host Tyra Banks was sentenced Thursday to a year of probation and ordered to complete a treatment program designed specifically for stalkers.

Brady Green, 39, of Dublin, Ga., must also stay away from the former supermodel for the next two years under an order of protection.

Manhattan Criminal Court Judge James Burke warned Green that he would face up to 90 days in jail if he disobeys any of the court’s orders.

Green and his lawyer left court without commenting.

Green was convicted in April of stalking Banks from coast to coast - calling her offices, showing up at her TV studios and sending her flowers. Police said he threatened to cut a staffer’s throat for not telling him where Banks was.

When Green was arrested March 18, 2008, at a McDonald’s restaurant near Banks’ Manhattan studio, he told officers they “had a thing together,” police said.

Banks, who did not attend Green’s sentencing, testified during his trial that she feared for her safety, and for that of her staff and family.

The former Sports Illustrated cover girl said that because of Green, her company hired more security staff, her studio audiences are vetted more thoroughly, and security guards follow her everywhere.

Green testified that he was a Banks fan and had been enthusiastic about trying to get tickets for her show. He said his actions had been misunderstood.

But Assistant District Attorney Sean McMahon got Green to admit that he rode a bus for four days from Los Angeles to New York where he had no friends, relatives or job, and the first he thing he did was go to the building that houses Banks’ studio.

Banks is executive producer and host of two popular TV shows, “America’s Next Top Model” and “The Tyra Banks Show.”

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Yesterday in Santa Monica, Liv Tyler was on her way to lunch when she spotted the woman above yelling at a crying child in a stroller. Apparently Liv didn’t take kindly to how the older woman was treating the child and went and had a few words with her. OK, so she had more than a few words. Liv also did some finger pointing and gesticulating. I think that is the first time I have ever used that word on the site. I’m pretty excited about it. If Aubrey O’Day reads it though she will probably think it is a new way for her to earn money.

Anyway, at one point Liv threatened to call the cops and I guess that made the woman calm down some. After Liv checked on the child, she went on her way and went to lunch but not without a few parting shouts from the older woman. I’m guessing Liv would not approve of the way Kate Gosselin parents.

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Denise Richards talks to her mom. Yes, I know her mom died a couple of years ago, but Denise still talks to her a lot. Well, not actually Denise, but Denise’s psychic. It seems that Denise has been getting messages from her mom through Denise’s psychic Natalie. Denise didn’t say how much she pays Natalie for each one of these messages but I’m guessing it is a lot more than $1.99 for the Psychic Hotline. In an interview with The NY Post, Denise was trying to explain why she agreed to star on a new television series with psychic John Edward called Cross Country.

“I wanted to believe Mom was still around. I wanted a reading. I wanted to believe in some form of reincarnation. I need to think in whatever way I can that my mother is still with us… I desperately have wanted a message from my mother, and I want to hold onto anything which will make that happen. I’ve told her to stay in contact with me even if she has to talk to me only through Natalie.”

It seems to me that this kind of desperation is exactly why people will pay a great deal of money to be able to talk to someone who has died. I don’t know if Natalie really has any powers. I don’t even know who Natalie is. I will say this though. Even if Natalie is talking to Denise’s mom, how often do you think mom is talking to Natalie? My guess is that Natalie talks to mom whenever Natalie needs some money and then passes on some message to Denise.

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Dear Ryan,

I just wanted to say first off that despite myself not really liking you as a person very much, I can’t help but laugh at most of your movies. I admit that I watch Van Wilder and Waiting much more than is probably healthy, and I think a great deal of that is because of you.

Now, that being said, I don’t know how you can give interview after interview saying you don’t want to be considered a sex symbol and then show up on four separate covers of Entertainment Weekly not wearing a shirt. Did not they have any? What was the purpose of posing like that if you don’t want to be considered a sex symbol?

Was it because you are proud of your workout regimen and Men’s Health didn’t want you on the cover? Did the photographer not have shirts in your size? Whatever the reason it doesn’t look very good when you have been quoted regarding your sex symbol status as “it’s really embarrassing. I think I fear more than anything just sounding like a complete a-hole when I have to answer that question.”

Ahh, I don’t think you have to worry about sounding like a complete a-hole with just that question. I think pretty much everything you do makes you seem like an a-hole. It’s nice that you think you sound like one sometimes though. That is the first step towards not being an a-hole.

Sincerely,

EL

P.S. Is it true that your wife has been cloned, and if so, where can we all buy one?

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Have you seen The National Enquirer this week? Go get it and look at it and you can see what is alleged to be Rebecca Gayheart naked with another woman in a bathtub while appearing to also be smoking crack. It sure looks like a crack pipe and Rebecca is holding it along with a lighter. I guess she could have been holding it for her friend or just researching a role

The Enquirer says the pictures were taken back in 2003 about 18 months before she and Eric Dane got married. The pictures were taken for her then boyfriend who must have loved knowing he was dating someone who would take naked pictures of herself with a crack pipe which is probably why they broke up and she married Eric.

Of course now it is that same boyfriend who is the one who probably sold the pictures because he realizes he might not want a girlfriend who smokes crack and takes naked pictures of herself with other women, but if they become famous there sure is some money in it for them.

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This is a strange, strange story. It seems that two Ohio police chiefs are being investigated for breaking into the surrogate of Sarah Jessica Parker’s baby. The reason? To dig up dirt for the tabloids and hoping to make a quick score. According to E!, a court prosecutor has been appointed to look into the charges.

Can you imagine two police chiefs doing this? This isn’t just two guys off the street or two rookie cops. This was the chiefs of two separate Ohio towns. The television station WTRF says that the surrogate doesn’t even live in the house anymore which was broken into. Allegedly. I can’t believe someone put these two idiots in charge of the police in their respective cities. One of the cities is Martina Ferry which is where the surrogate lived. You would think the chief would have known she moved out already. Of course you would think a chief would also be moral enough to not break into a house to sell dirt to tabloids. I’m guessing neither of these guys are the smartest people in the world.

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